Lily Kasia Trenerowski

Dear Lily,

Oh how much I love you.  Every day I thank our Heavenly Father that he sent you into our home and every day I plead with him that I will be a good enough Mommy to take care of you and raise you to be the best person you can possibly become.  I want to give the world to you, and right now I will start by telling you about the day you were born. 

When I became pregnant with you I was so ecstatic.  I just KNEW that you were going to be a girl.  I wanted to keep a journal and write in it every single day my thoughts about you coming to our home.  But a series of unfortunate events happened, and I never got around to it.  Not because we were busy, which we were, but because I was a little angry with God.  I was upset because of all we had going on that kept on hitting us one after another after another.  I was mostly upset because we had a lot going on and I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to provide the very best to you and therefore I was so afraid that if I kept a journal and wrote to you each day it would be about me complaining and venting, instead of me being positive and uplifting.  I didn’t want you reading anything that wasn’t optimistic and encouraging.  So I refrained from writing to you.  It is the biggest regret I have. And, you know what little girl?  I would go through it all over again – with even worse trials – just to have you come into my home.  The instant you were born the spirit has been extremely strong and present in our family and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.  You are a miracle, and you have blessed our home in incredible ways.  So thank you for helping to restore my faith in Heavenly Father and His Plan again.

Both your Daddy and I were working hard before you arrived.  We were working to make sure that you had everything you need.  I was mainly working to keep busy because I was so anxious about when you would arrive.  I was certain that you would come early (maybe not certain, but extremely optimistic that you would arrive early).  I really had no idea when your due date was, but I just had a feeling that you would come on Groundhogs Day (February 2).  And Groundhogs Day came and Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and the only news we got was that there would be 6 more weeks of winter.  No news of you coming at all.  But I kept on working.  In fact, I worked up until the day before you came.  On Sunday night, I tossed and turned all night with severe anxiety about whether I should go to work on Monday.  I decided an extra $100 or so couldn’t hurt, so I went in – but it was too much for me, so I let them know on February 11, 2013 that it would be my last day.  I honestly thought that after my last doctor appointment that you would be coming on the 15^th of February.  So I planned my days out accordingly to keep me busy.  Tuesday would be “craft day”.  Wednesday would be “baking day”.  Thursday would be “sleep as much as possible day”. And you would arrive on Friday.

At my previous appointment (on February 8) I was told I was only 1.5 cm and 60-70% effaced and you weren’t coming any time soon.  I was also told that I would have to come in twice next week for “stress tests” to make sure that you had the fluid and comfort that you needed since you were now “officially” overdue.  Since I was so emotional after my last appointment, I decided to bring along your Grandma for emotional support.  I felt I needed someone there to console me with whatever the outcome was. 

About 2 days before you came and I'm wondering when our little "Biedronka" will come.

The first test went well – you still had enough fluids and were just comfy inside my tummy.  The second tests didn’t go so well.  Apparently it showed that I was having contractions, of which I didn’t feel a thing.  The first contraction I had, while hooked up to the monitor, you didn’t like it and your little heart rate went down.  It wasn’t like you were in trouble, but it made the lady nervous.  She immediately went up and showed our doctor your results.  Jennifer (Dr. Kinghorn) came down and the first thing that she said to me was “You’re going to have a baby today.”  And explained that they were going to wheel me down to Labor & Delivery to start the induction process.  I was not allowed to go home to gather any belongings, nor was I allowed to even walk.  My only response to Jennifer was: “Well, at least I shaved my legs and washed my hair this morning.” I was in complete shock – I was going to meet you in less than 24 hours!  

They wheeled me down to Labor & Delivery – asked me a million questions – set up my room and introduced me to my L&D Nurse that would be taking care of me until her shift ended at 7.  I was extremely impressed with the amount of care that the nurses showed at St. Marks Hospital.  Jennifer also came in and explained that they were going to do a “soft induction” by giving me cervidil.  This would take about 12 hours to soften my cervix.  Once my cervix was 100% effaced, they would give me Patosin that would throw me into having contractions and cause my cervix to dilate and allow you to come into the world.  The plan was to start at noon, get Patosin at midnight, and hopefully you would arrive before noon the next day.

Your daddy was still at work.  I told him to finish out the day – that this would be a long process – but… he said he couldn’t focus at work and ended up coming to my bedside at around 3:00.  It was a blessing to have him there, but the instant he arrived is when I really started to feel discomfort (aka contractions). 

In essence, I guess that all my body needed was a little jump start to helping me go into labor.  After 4 hours of a soft-induction, they were ready to start the Patosin.  Life was really pleasant and nice until I got the Patosin.  Up until this point, I was still having contractions and not feeling them, but they were coming often enough and I was effaced enough that we were ready to take it up a notch.  I started to hurt and asked for a dose of medicine that made me really loopy.  I’ m pretty sure that I said some unkind things to the nurses helping me, and I feel terrible for that, but I can’t recall exactly what things I said.  Your daddy just said that he had to take over and handle all the questioning so that I wouldn’t say something I later regretted.

As the pain increased, I would just squeeze and squeeze your Daddy’s hand.  He stayed there by my side.  I couldn’t have asked for more from him.  He is such a good man, and I’m so glad that he is your daddy because with how good he takes care of me, I know that he will only take care of you 100 times better!

In fact, your daddy is such a funny man that while I took a nap, he decided to watch the “State of the Union Address” by President Obama.  He wants to make sure that you know that you came the same night our President addressed the Nation with, what he felt, was important issues.  Afterwards, the Nurse noticed my contractions went away – which wasn’t good.  So they broke my water.  Boy was that a weird feeling.  But once again, sweetheart, you didn’t like that and they had to re-pump water back up inside me to make sure that you were comfortable and happy.  I was terrified that with how temperamental you were being that I was going to have to have a C-Section. 

After I got an epidural, I was in Heaven and took a 3 hour nap.  The Nurse, JoDee, was incredible.  When she first introduced herself to me, I judged her.  That is terrible to say, but I don’t think it was her appearance, but more of her straightforwardness (usually which I appreciate immensely but at the time didn’t want to hear anything from anyone because I was hurting).  I think it was mostly the pain and the loopy medicine that made me not want a nurse at all.  But I think that there were Angels up above looking out for me that sent her to help me for a reason.  I couldn’t have asked for a more kind, patient, loving person to take care of me than JoDee.  She helped me really breathe through my contractions, she turned me every 45 minutes once I had my epidural since I couldn’t use my legs very well, and she helped me be really brave and courageous through the whole Labor & Delivery process.  I feel like she deserves extra blessings for such a wonderful job of really taking phenomenal care of me!

At 2:45 she came into check on me, and told me I was at 9.5 centimeters and that we would start pushing in about 45 minutes… so to get more sleep.  I couldn't sleep at all after this point, and I don't know if it was the medicine still - but I could have sworn there was a cat meowing outside our window and from the cat keeping me awake, I really felt like I had to go to the bathroom. After about 20 minutes, I felt like I couldn’t take it any longer and I rang for JoDee and told her that I really had to go to the bathroom and asked if she could help me out with my situation.  She laughed and said, “You’re hooked up to a catheter.” And I tried to discreetly say it was a "number two"...  JoDee then said, that feeling was the baby and that we were ready to push.  I panicked and told her that we needed to call Jennifer to come back in – of which JoDee told me that we would be pushing for over an hour before we called her to come back and deliver you.

So, my first push was around 3:20 or 3:25 and after that JoDee told me, “I’ll be back, we’re calling Dr. Kinghorn.”  She said that in that one push I did what normally takes first time mothers over an hour to do.  I felt terrible for Dr. Kinghorn.  The last time I saw her was at 12:30 and here it was 3:30 and we were summoning her back.  The poor lady only got about 2 hours of sleep.  But she was a SAINT because she came in just for you on her day off!  She was just as excited to meet you as I was.

I pushed for about 40 minutes until you came.  JoDee was a great coach and your Daddy kept telling me that he saw the top of your head and that you were almost here.  After a little snip-snip  you came shooting out into the world at 4:12 a.m.  Michal says that Jennifer’s face was ultra concentrated as she scooped you up under your arms and cleared your airways.  He says her face just lit up and it made him ultra excited to be the next one to hold you.  However, they placed you on my chest.  I couldn’t see your precious face, only the top of your head, but I started crying because you were just in Heaven, and now you were here with me.  I can’t describe the feeling of meeting you for the first time.  I rubbed your head and just felt an overwhelmingly powerful spirit fill the room.  It was like your Heavenly Father placed you in my arms vicariously through an amazing doctor.  Before, I could never understand why people wanted to be an OB/GYN doctors (or equivalent of nurses), but after you came into this world I can completely understand why.  They get to feel that powerful spirit everyday.  What a blessing to literally feel so close to heaven.

Your daddy followed you around and took pictures and made sure that you were okay.  At 8 pounds 8 ounces & 19.5 inches and an incredible APGAR score of 8 and then 9, we were happy that you were a strong healthy baby.  About 30 minutes later I got to hold you and see how truly beautiful you were.  And I’m not just sayin’ that either.  Most babies aren’t very becoming – but you were so incredibly beautiful that I just couldn’t stop smiling.  As I held you, your Daddy and I discussed what your name would be.  We narrowed it down to two choices: Lily Kasia or Zosia Jennifer. But you just looked more like a Lily.  I truly hope you love your name.  It has weighed heavily on my heart as to whether it’s the best name for you or not.  Does it fit you?  Am I just paranoid?  I second-guess myself a lot, but this is a huge decision so I hope you understand it was a difficult decision but one that we felt was best for you. 

Let me tell you how we picked your name.  Lilies are my favorite flower.  Absolute favorite – and your daddy wanted to name you Lily because every time he brought flowers home for me, they would also be for you.  Kasia is my name in Polish and we wanted you to have a piece of Poland with you always. We also liked the names: Abigail, Simone, Claire, Zosia, and Elly.  However, at that moment we narrowed it down to two names and Zosia Jennifer almost trumped the name you received.  Here’s why:  Zosia is your great-grandmothers name who encountered a lot of hardship during WWII and has incredible stories to share.  It would have been the piece of Poland we wanted you to carry, but we would have called you Zoe.  Jennifer was going to be your middle name after the doctor that delivered you.  This woman is incredible in every aspect of her life and someone that both your daddy and I really respect and admire greatly.  She first met your daddy when she was serving a mission in Poland and was assigned to Wroclaw.  She taught your daddy the gospel of Jesus Christ and he was baptized thanks to her hard work and effort.  If it wasn’t for her, I never would have met your daddy and would most likely still be a single lady trying to figure her life out through therapy sessions.  Later, Jennifer kept in contact with your daddy throughout the years and helped him to retain his testimony and keep it strong.  Not only does your daddy love her, but he loves her husband for the support and love he’s shown to Michal as well.  Lily, when we first found out we were pregnant, it was hard for the Polish doctors to answer all my questions in English (and I had so many of them)… so the very first person who found out about you was Jennifer Kinghorn.  We called her on a Sunday and for over an hour she answered every question I had and helped calm me down about the whole situation.  It was her countenance and approach that helped me to be excited to have you come into our life, compared to the nervousness I was feeling.  Once we came back into the United States, we both felt that it would only be appropriate if we asked her to be our Doctor.  When she said yes, I cried and Michal felt like it was the first prayer he had that was answered in a long time.  We were thrilled that someone who cared so much for your Daddy was going to be the very first person to meet you.  She has had a special place in our hearts and for that reason we wanted to give you her name.  I was almost certain you were going to be a Zosia Jennifer – but when we looked at you - we just felt you looked more like a Lily.  

Lily, your daddy & I love you so much.  We want you to know that we will do whatever we can to give you the very best possible in life.  We want you to succeed and love life to the fullest.  We also want you to know that there are so many people who also love you.  You have had so many people on FaceBook give you compliments about how beautiful you are.  But if you ever run into trouble, remember those people who played a special part in your birth and know that you can always count on them.  Your grandparents and aunts & uncles love you also.  So many people love you and would do just as much for you as we would, so don’t ever be afraid to open your heart and love them back.  Love is a scary thing, and opening your heart is a scary thing, but as you do – the blessings outweigh the trials and heartaches.  Remember that you are a daughter of our Heavenly Father and he loves you even more than I do.  As you grow up, I hope that you remember just one thing:  How many people love you.  Because there is no greater blessing than to truly feel of someone’s love.

Grandma & Grandpa Dedrickson

Aunt Bridgett + Uncle Sam & Aunt Fatima + Uncle Ben